Just a quick update for now I suppose. I’ve wanted to update for a while, but I never took the time to do it. I have a lot to say though. I’ve become a Buddhist now, but I can’t specify a sect or anything.
I can say though, that I’m practicing two important aspects of Buddhism, or at least important to me: awareness/mindfulness and living in the present. When I think about it just now, I realize the interconnectedness between the two.
If I am being mindful of my actions and thoughts, then I am attentive to what is really going on–the reality that is the present. The actual present. Not the random intrusive thoughts in my head while I vacuum, or all the internal grumbles passing through when I unload the (goddamned) dishwasher, not fantasies or projections of the future, but what I am literally doing, and keeping my mind on the task at hand. I’m practicing sort-of narrating when I do something. I am not sure if that is the “right” approach, but for the moment it is helping me not to indulge so many illusions.
I don’t care for that article that much because it’s obviously shallow, but I like that quote. It came from one of the early comments toward the bottom of the page.
Focusing my thoughts on the past or present, and on more than one thing, is a big problem of mine. It seems sometimes that I am missing an attention-span.
I’ve also just learned from Wikipedia that mindfulness is a psychological practice. I find that interesting. When I realized that I wanted to commit to Buddhism and spend more time within myself (that’s a story I’d like to tell, also! I’d love it if someone reminded me, haha!) the idea of being a famous writer/screenwriter seemed immediately unattractive. I thought immediately of abandoning my partially complete creative writing portfolio and graduate school apps, and returning to psychotherapy. Maybe I’ll throw in a few apps for MAs in psychology. Anyway, it also reminds me of this movie I saw (on a totally awkward date, haha)–The Adjustment Bureau.
It’s the story of politician who fills the void of his childhood with the love of crowds and happy democrats at rallies and other political things. I think he was a democrat anyway, I remember seeing a lot of blue in the film. Then again, the movie is about God… Anyway, he meets his soul mate, and is then separated from her so that he can win a local election and become president someday. He finds out–via The Bureau–that they are no longer meant for one another, due to a “change in plans”. Now, he’s meant to win the presidential election to help the nation, or whatever. He and his soul mate can no longer be together because she’s “enough”. That is, she fills the void. With her, he would never run for prez, etc. You see the dilemma.
So, long story short, I pretty much did/do the same thing with dreaming of being a writer and being stage at the Oscars, etc. It’s all just filling some void carved out long ago. So, when I discovered that I wanted to spend time with myself. as opposed to absorbing love from the future fame fantasies floating around in my mind, I debated (yet again!) what I’m “going to do with my life”. I wonder why this is such a hard decision for me to make. Hum. It is hard to choose because I know that I’d be brilliant at both, frankly.
Well, I am going to go to the gym now. Starbucks is closing, and I want some cardio before I go to bed. Goodbye!