Personal Progress

Hum, so I guess this post will be about some a mix of thoughts that I’ve had recently, mostly about getting over the break-up. Happily, the process expedited ten fold recently, thanks to Ameile Chance (whose name I love the sound of by the way, haha) and her ingenious application of positive psychology.

So I took this survey on her website to determine the “type” of broken heart I have/had: “Emptiness”. I have to admit that luckily, I didn’t really connect with all of these horribly sad symptoms. I didn’t have any negative thoughts like “Oh, I’ll never love again!” or “How/why does this keep happening?” I did identify with number 1 (“feeling” like what am I going to do now?); number 2 (lots of reminders/triggers); and number 4, though I guess we are not “meant” for one another together since we broke up. Duh.

Anyway the one I really want to talk about is number… well, all of them a bit actually. Number 1 is really new and interesting to me. I had never thought or even really understood exactly what emptiness felt like, or at least I never identified it correctly. And I’m actually not 100% sure now either. I’ve been thinking about this today, and I think that all the times I’ve felt lonely or some existential boredom that I was in fact just lacking a healthy and fulfilling life purpose. I had a purpose, albeit very misguided.

It all starts with Romeo and Juliet. I remember watching this sometime in my youth and being really… ha, well, lets say I fantasized about Leonardo DiCaprio for a while. But the fantasy type is what stuck — instant, obsessive attachment. That is what the 13-22 year old me thought love was. In combination with the unpredictable comings and goings of my biological father, the unpredictable comings and goings of my mothers’ “friends”, and general emotional unavailability of pretty much everyone in the family, I ended up a pretty confused, insecure mess. Of course I didn’t realize that as a thirteen-year-old, but you get the picture. And that picture hung in my mind constantly until a couple of months ago. This defined the  purpose I undertook in my naiveté: to find the dysfunctional type of love that was all that I knew. It became a core belief, an unrelenting subconscious goal.

I guess a few things changed between then and when I met my most recent ex, but for the most part the same instant attachment took place between us, or at least for me. We barely knew each other for a month before we started dating exclusively. And I would foster fantasies of the R&J variety about virtually any many that gave me a minute amount of attention, so I mean it’s not exactly the first time. So anyway, when the break-up happened, the world that I had built around this person in accordance with my impractical and unhealthy core beliefs completely fell apart. I was a wreck dude(s). But only for like 2 weeks, so don’t worry.

So basically one recent night, I got really sick of feeling like shit, and Googled “how to heal a broken heart”, and came across the website referenced earlier (click on “Ameile Chance”). She explains in this video why a broken heart hurts to so much, and (partially) how to get over one. I get an e-mail from her explaining how to re-wire my mind and thoughts so everything is easier, and life goes on faster.

Okay, I’m done for now. Hope you enjoyed! : )


3 thoughts on “Personal Progress

  1. Wow! Good job seeing the illusions for what they are. Interesting how all of us in our family have tried to figure out how to live without much input from other family members. Interesting that we have survived this long! Guess we have something going for us! 🙂 To the light!

  2. Thanks a lot! I am so glad to always get comments from you and know that you are reading. This is such a great way to keep in touch. Staying out of the illusory thoughts is troublesome sometimes, but the thought of being my old self or falling into old thought patters is really kind of disgusting to me. It would just be giving up. Eh. So yes, to the light!

  3. Pingback: What’s The Score? | Keeping Track Of Personal Progress | Create The Life You Want

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