August 10th. I can’t think of a better title.

Now that I have a moment to update I definitely just want to sleep. But, I’m already at Starbucks, so I guess I’ll throw something together.

I’ve wanted to write in detail about what I’ve done/changing for a while. It is actually kind of simple, but also difficult sometimes to put into practice, because the process of changing thoughts is sometimes constant and requires a lot of mental effort. Anyway…

As I explained before and learned from healmybrokenheart, when the relationship ended the ideal world I built during childhood disintergrated. I didn’t experience self-deprecating or blaming thoughts like “I feel like shit, I’ll never get over this.” or How could he do this to me? He’s a deceitful liar!” or anything like that. They’re just not true. I had trouble dealing with all the triggers/reminders of him, fighting off constantly recalling our memories and just a feeling of loss, a sadness that it’s over. There is these songs by Adele that I used to get stuck in my head. Whenever I heard them or missed my ex or something they would pop in, and just grind in the fact that we’ve broken up or whatever. Damn shitty brain.

and:

Anyway, to combat the intrusive thoughts and songs and triggers, the site suggests “flipping” thoughts. Basically, the task is to make a list of all the places, items, people, thoughts, songs, memories whatever, that remind me of my ex, and come up with counter thoughts. So, I basically did that. Except I was lazy and didn’t make a list, but I did the important part! Whenever I found, and less frequently find, myself mulling of old memories negatively or one of those songs pops into my head, I do three things:

  1. Repeat a sentence to myself for reassurance.
  2. Replace the thought(s) with one of several songs I’m pretty sure my ex has never heard.
  3. Focus on the present moment/task.

Badabing badaboom.

The site also suggests writing the sentences as well, and that would be fabulous, but at the moment I can’t do that. Hum, I’ll try it when I’m away from the kids and can whip out a notebook or cell phone without hearing “Can we listen to music on your phone? Can I write my name in there and draw hearts around it? Can you draw a horse for me? Can I cut some paper out? Can I call mama? Can I draw in your book? Can I have it? Can I have a piece of paper from there? Can I use your pen?”

There are a lot of positives I can see in just this. The two that stick out as being most important to me are:

      • From this I’ve learnt exactly how powerful and pliable my mind is, and how easy it is to change. When I recall the past, I think that I was trying to change too much at one time. It is easy for me to discover things about myself that I wish were different. I would often try to group a bunch of things together and make a big sweeping lifestyle alteration. I guess that doesn’t work for me. My other thought is that perhaps none of those things could change because the root of the problem–what I’m changing now–had to change first. Hum, perhaps.
      • I have the opportunity to create a whole new world of associations about love and other things. The question is, what is love to me? What do I want in my new world? How do I want to shape love? This is very exciting. I think I should think up some character traits, but perhaps nothing else. You cannot predict or control other people and events like love. And who wants to? When things are left untainted by expectations, they are left free and open. I’ve asked myself this before, when questioning the relationship. Am I in love, was I in love? Aside from the fact that if I had to ask, I probably wasn’t, I discovered I don’t have the faintest idea what love is for me.

Wow, I have tons and tons more things I could talk about, but my bed is calling me. Guten nacht : )

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