It’s 14:30 in Holland and I’m not even wearing a bra yet. I love Thursdays.
Thursdays is the beloved Oma Dag, meaning the kids are gone THE ENTIRE DAY. My host mom is at the hair dressers, so the house is wonderfully empty and silent.
I’m rereading the post from a few days ago, where I was discussing my feelings of boredom. I wrote on some notes when I was stoned that… well, I wrote quite a few notes…
The first one relates to that love question on hitRECord. I feel, or felt in that moment, a bit jaded by science. Knowing the current scientifically accepted answers to questions about historically philosophical or mysterious questions can be burdensome, at least for me it’s proven to be so. I think it stemmed from a place of past insecurity about myself and my intelligence and abilities. I think that I felt so bad about myself, I wanted to have a way to… like dominate other people, to out-perform them, to make myself feel good and important and valued. So I studied philosophy because I thought it would “make me smart” or something (and it did, haha). I feigned interest in cosmology and history and probably some other things. Or, not necessarily feigned, but… I was so worried about what people thought of me, if I was dumber than them, etc., that I couldn’t actually concentrate on learning. It left me feeling mostly miserable, and certainly no better about myself, as there was, and always will be, people who know more than me. I guess luckily, I do genuinely find history and cosmology interesting nowadays, I feel great about myself, and the desire to overrule people is more or less gone.
But, I think that’s not entirely what I’m aiming at. I feel like I live on the surface of life, and I don’t know what the purpose is, or how to find one that isn’t predictable or familiar. And I think that having a decent base of general knowledge and good analytical/critical thinking skills contributes to that attitude. I mean, I always have the choice of what to put in my mind and think about to any depth. Like I said before, I have a choice. Still, experiences are influencing.
Anyway, the feeling of boredom is accompanied by feelings of frustration and disgust, and I think perhaps that relates to living on the surface of life. I feel like I never let myself dive really realllllllly deep into something, especially emotionally. A moment ago I thought that perhaps I just need more intellectual stimulation because of my job (Anyone [or a lot of people] who are mothers or highly engaged parents know that it is at times all-consuming and mind/soul/self-numbing.), but I would like some emotional, sexual and social stimulation as well.
But honestly, I’m kind of terrified of doing that. Like… seriously terrified. And I don’t think terrified is too strong of a word, either. What would I do if I fell in love to the point where I needed someone? What if we broke-up, or the person died? What the fuck would I do? I think of how well I know my mind, my thoughts, my patterns. I think I’d go crazy. I don’t want to do that…
What if I let my guard down and someone really hurt me, like on purpose? What if someone just takes advantage of me because they can?
God, I didn’t know that was in there. I guess I should learn to let my guard down a bit. But slowly. I think that if any of that stuff did happen, I could handle it. Definitely.