Lay It On Thick

God, I feel like I don’t know what to write. Weird. There are lots of noises around me now, it’s harder to concentrate. I’ll do my best!

Hum. Well…. I was reading the notes I wrote, and discovered more interesting things. I wrote that I feel discontent with everything that is already familiar: television, things I just do out of habit, being unproductive or resisting that desire to do something new, out of fear or habit. I think that’s something to overcome, definitely. I find that often I don’t write or go to my room early and take time for myself because I ignore the urge. Often that involves writing creatively or in my journal, and that often leads to writing creatively. I can feel that is what I really want to do, but I ignore it sometimes and choose to do something less fulfilling, I guess out of habit.

And also out of fear. When I write a poem or something, it’s like I’m high on cocaine or something. I’ve never been high on cocaine, but I get a massive energy rush and burst of confidence and it’s like… I’m addicted. I feel like I’m the most proliferous writer that ever fucking existed (ha).

For a while I knew that I procrastinated writing because I didn’t think I was actually good. Maybe that’s part of where the resistance is coming from now. I also just feel like time is totally indefinite for me, like it’s just there for me to use when I choose. I so easily and freely waste time, put things off until tomorrow or whenever.

Hum, I think this has something to do with my search for a purpose or meaning that I can’t poke holes through. It’s like writing is one of the few things that genuinely thrills me, and is still new and invites exploration. Everything else that is habitual for me is habitual. I’ve done it to the point of pointlessness. God, I feel like I sound so spoiled and whiny, complaining about complaining.

I also wondered if a fixed or permanent point/purpose/whatever for life actually exists. I always imagine something that I will find or come along that will be fulfilling and interesting for the rest of my life and take me places, blah blah blah. But I guess that’s too easy, too simple. Not a lot of things are ever just given or whatever, but I want to find things like that, create things like that. I’d rather dig than use a backhoe. Or, whatever. I mean, every cause, career, person, dream, goal, opportunity has multiple facets, positives, negatives, work required, etc./whatever. Things are always changing and requiring new thoughts and ideas. God, I’m just dying for some stimulation.

But, remember that everything is inevitably and constantly changing. The past and future technically don’t exist, they’re just memories or projections. So the real purpose or meaning or whatever exists only in the present moment. I read somewhere “the ever-expanding present”, I can relate to that. But I wonder now, what does that mean–that the present is always expanding and the meaning in life is always in the present? What consequences do those thoughts have on my actions, choices, thoughts? Hum, I’m quite intrigued. Hum… I think this is a better way to view things. I mean, it already has everything I feel that I need or want built it–change, stimulation, new ideas and perspectives that come and go with the moment. Hum.

On a different yet familiar note–feeling that I live on the surface of life. I realized that I didn’t start to write a lot, or learn a lot either, until I got like “in the shit”. Until I feel in love and ended up totally (and temporarily, I might add for gloating’s sake) heartbroken. It wasn’t I had some deep, foundation-rocking experiences. I want MORE. Lots more. I want to let people in and let them see me cry and just be a bit more open to people. I’m typically so self-protected. To an extent that is a good thing, but sometimes I think it’s too much.

Oh, on Fridays, I think I’m going to start posting “Fuck Yeah Fridays” to show appreciation for something, anything. I think that’s a great idea! I’m going to post a poetry page too.

I hope anyone who reads this can enjoy and make some sense out everything. I feel like the writing is a tad disjointed–goddamn Mario Kart Wii!!!

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