Oh hay there

Hum, seems I’ve been away for a while.

I’m really happy with my life. Everything is just so… great? Fantastic? Magnificent, even? I feel really great about myself as well. And I just fucking love living in Holland. It’s such a small country, all the big and interesting cities are really close together. Like an hour or so, and even cities in other countries are like a few hours or a short flight away. Everything (well, almost) is just fucking great. This time in my life is like a personal reinassance. It’s my 1960’s. I pretty much never want to leave…

And therein lies the problem. I have (had?) plans to go to the UK/Wales and get an MA in Creative Writing, but I love it here so much. None of the universities here offer a creative writing program taught in English, at least none that I have come across. And believe me, I have been scowling.

There is always the possibility of being a successful writer without training, or at least without a masters degree. I’m not sure how I feel about changing my mind again, you know? This is like the third time I’ve been in this “crisis”.

Thanks to the people I know here, I’ve been considering, again, being a therapist. They don’t know they’ve had that influence on me though. I just know a lot of people who aren’t…happy. Or living as/trying to be/aren’t even aware of their authentic self (all of the facets are relevant in some way, but I’m referring mainly to the psychological aspect under “Definitions”, Sartre/Existentialism section, and a bit from Fromm) Or the concept of that. I know people that feel trapped in their lives because of a conflict with convention and their feelings and urges. Not strictly sexual ones, though for some that’s included. I mean people who sacrificed for a family, and now want to go find some personal fulfillment and are blocked by spouses, external and or internal oppression, lack of self-confidence, etc. Especially with women.

My host mother and I have this great idea for a women’s magazine. I don’t think it’s going to happen, at least not with her/not now, but it’s such an incredible idea that I don’t really want to let it go. I’ve also been tossing around ideas about how to help people “live better”or more authentically. And be a writer. How can I fit it all together? How can I build something of my own, for myself? From my mind and heart? Today I thought maybe I could start a non-profit for girls and women, or maybe everyone, to help people get in touch with themselves (…haha) and live better, happier. Know what I mean?

But then I think about my own dreams, and a little bit about Ayn Rand, and wonder how I will feel in 2 or 3 years if I choose something else. How can/why should I help others find their authentic selves while possibly ignoring a part of my own authentic self? Hum, I’m not even connecting with myself–my own thoughts and feelings about this. Maybe I am apporaching or thinking about it ineffectively. It’s too convoluted…

Hum. So, I’m gonna go think.


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