Warmth

 

This probably doesn’t make sense to a lot of people who read it, but I had the urge to share it anyway.

I’ve spent the entire day baking! And NONE of my recipes turned out the way I had planned! But I still feel motivated. I got honest feedback from my family (who definitely didn’t have a problem taste-testing) and my own opinions as well. I definitely need some more practice, especially with the vegan products! And all of them were vegan, haha. But, on the plus side, I did make seitan correctly! So, there’s a positive. And also some DELICIOUS refried beans. Um, soo tasty!

Anyway, throughout the day, I also had bouts of random anger. Oh, well, let me explain. I realized recently that I tend to dehumanize and objectify people. I put them in a box, usually consisting of only their negative qualities. I look right past their human-ness and only to what I think they are doing wrong or what they coulda’, shoulda’ woulda’ done. A little while ago, I also decided that I wanted to feel more compassionate. I think what I did was feel more empathy, and I guess that’s part of compassion. But still, I have this problem of not really seeing people, as themselves as I know them, on a deeper level. I tend to look at them through how I want them to act, what I think they should know and do. I feel and think that’s violent and judgmental. It’s not physical violence, and it does equal damage to me as to them. Maybe even more to me, because I’m the one holding in all of the hate and other negative emotions.

I noticed this when I kept “sticking my mind” into my friends’ (the one I lived with) life and choices. I tried to just tell myself “Oh, it’s her life and I don’t care”, but I still judged. Anytime anyone says (usually, anyway) “I don’t care”, they/I totally care. It’s fine and perhaps better to let go of others’ lives and decision, but that wasn’t “true” or “real” from my part (but perhaps it’s morally wrong to keep quiet). I don’t think that I can really let other people live their lives or whatever coming from a place other than compassion, empathy and understanding.

Anyway, today I reminded myself a few times to just accept the other person the way they are. It’s incredibly calming, reinforces empathy, compassion, etc., probably more productive in terms of living and just getting along. Long story short: it’s better than carrying around anger and judgment.

However, I do have to admit that I do feel a little deterred and wonder if I can keep up the baking. Ha, now that I read that I feel silly…

Nonetheless, there is still something inside me that wants to keep going. To keep trying, to keep making something new, to keep perfecting and learning and creating. I feel that I’ve a glimpse of reality, and I don’t mind. I’m energized. This is the first time that I’ve actually followed through with creating a dream, both for myself and for other people to consume, haha, and I see now how long things can take. But that is honestly irrelevant to me.

I feel comforted.

I’m listening to this if anyone is curious/like French. I like to share music:

 

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